An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong b!tch out of the window."

(11-12-2013 05:22 PM)LSU04_08 Wrote:  

(11-12-2013 05:16 PM)smn1256 Wrote:  

Quote:Defendant: Quinshaunta R. Golden

Guilty.

I bet when she says her name to customer service, she spells only the last name out...

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why in the world are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

LSU_04_08 Wrote:What do you call a bouncer at a gay bar?




A FAG flame thrower

One sunny day in January, 2017, an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard and says, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine looks at the man and says, “Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here. ”The old man says, “Okay,” and walks away.

The following day the same man approaches the White House and says to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine again tells the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here.” The man thanks him and again just walks away.

The third day the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looks at the man and says, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”

The old man looks at the Marine and says,“Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.” The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says, “See you tomorrow, Sir!”

Joe Legal vs Jose Illegal

You have two families: “Joe Legal” and “Jose Illegal.” Both families have two parents, two children, and live in California . . .

Joe Legal works in construction, has a Social Security Number and makes $25.00 per hour with taxes deducted.

Jose Illegal also works in construction, has NO Social Security Number, and gets paid $15.00 cash “under the table”.

Ready? Now pay attention . . .

Joe Legal: $25.00 per hour x 40 hours = $1000 per week, or $52,000 per year. Now take 30% away for state and federal tax; Joe Legal now has $31,231.

Jose Illegal: $15.00 per hour x 40 hours = $600 per week, or $31,200 per year. Jose Illegal pays no taxes. Jose Illegal now has $31,200.

Joe Legal pays medical and dental insurance with limited coverage for his family at $600 per month, or $7,200 per year. Joe Legal now has $24,031.

Jose Illegal has full medical and dental coverage through the state and local clinics and emergency hospitals at a cost of $0 per year. Jose Illegal still has $31,200.

Joe Legal makes too much money and is not eligible for food stamps or welfare. Joe Legal pays $500 per month for food, or $6,000 per year. Joe Legal now has $18,031.

Jose Illegal has no documented income and is eligible for food stamps, WIC and welfare. Jose Illegal still has $31,200.

Joe Legal pays rent of $1,200 per month, or $14,400 per year. Joe Legal now has $9,631.

Jose Illegal receives a $500 per month Federal Rent Subsidy. Jose Illegal pays out that $500 per month, or $6,000 per year. Jose Illegal still has $31,200.

Joe Legal pays $200 per month, or $2,400 for car insurance. Some of that is uninsured motorist insurance. Joe Legal now has $7,231.

Jose Illegal says, “We don’t need no stinkin’ insurance!” and still has $31,200.

Joe Legal has to make his $7,231 stretch to pay utilities, gasoline, etc.

Jose Illegal has to make his $31,200 stretch to pay utilities, gasoline, and what he sends out of the country every month.

Joe Legal now works overtime on Saturdays or gets a part time job after work.

Jose Illegal has nights and weekends off to enjoy with his family.

Joe Legal’s and Jose Illegal’s children both attend the same elementary school. Joe Legal pays for his children’s lunches while Jose Illegal’s children get a government sponsored lunch. Jose Illegal’s children have an after school ESL program. Joe Legal’s children go home.

Now, when they reach college age, Joe Legal’s kids may not get into a state school and may not qualify for scholarships, grants or other tuition help, even though Joe has been paying for state schools through his taxes, while Jose Illegal’s kids “go to the head of the class” because they are a minority.

Joe Legal and Jose Illegal both enjoy the same police and fire services, but Joe paid for them and Jose did not pay.

What's the difference between Obama & Jesus?


Jesus knew how to make a good cabinet.

People don't scream Obama's name when Jesus does something.

What does Brokeback Mountain and the NFL have in common
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The Cowboys suck.

Why do Indian men marry women with dots on their head?



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When they scratch the dot off, they might win a 7-11 store.

(12-06-2013 04:03 PM)smn1256 Wrote:  Joe Legal vs Jose Illegal

You have two families: “Joe Legal” and “Jose Illegal.” Both families have two parents, two children, and live in California . . .

Joe Legal works in construction, has a Social Security Number and makes $25.00 per hour with taxes deducted.

Jose Illegal also works in construction, has NO Social Security Number, and gets paid $15.00 cash “under the table”.

Ready? Now pay attention . . .

Joe Legal: $25.00 per hour x 40 hours = $1000 per week, or $52,000 per year. Now take 30% away for state and federal tax; Joe Legal now has $31,231.

Jose Illegal: $15.00 per hour x 40 hours = $600 per week, or $31,200 per year. Jose Illegal pays no taxes. Jose Illegal now has $31,200.

Joe Legal pays medical and dental insurance with limited coverage for his family at $600 per month, or $7,200 per year. Joe Legal now has $24,031.

Jose Illegal has full medical and dental coverage through the state and local clinics and emergency hospitals at a cost of $0 per year. Jose Illegal still has $31,200.

Joe Legal makes too much money and is not eligible for food stamps or welfare. Joe Legal pays $500 per month for food, or $6,000 per year. Joe Legal now has $18,031.

Jose Illegal has no documented income and is eligible for food stamps, WIC and welfare. Jose Illegal still has $31,200.

Joe Legal pays rent of $1,200 per month, or $14,400 per year. Joe Legal now has $9,631.

Jose Illegal receives a $500 per month Federal Rent Subsidy. Jose Illegal pays out that $500 per month, or $6,000 per year. Jose Illegal still has $31,200.

Joe Legal pays $200 per month, or $2,400 for car insurance. Some of that is uninsured motorist insurance. Joe Legal now has $7,231.

Jose Illegal says, “We don’t need no stinkin’ insurance!” and still has $31,200.

Joe Legal has to make his $7,231 stretch to pay utilities, gasoline, etc.

Jose Illegal has to make his $31,200 stretch to pay utilities, gasoline, and what he sends out of the country every month.

Joe Legal now works overtime on Saturdays or gets a part time job after work.

Jose Illegal has nights and weekends off to enjoy with his family.

Joe Legal’s and Jose Illegal’s children both attend the same elementary school. Joe Legal pays for his children’s lunches while Jose Illegal’s children get a government sponsored lunch. Jose Illegal’s children have an after school ESL program. Joe Legal’s children go home.

Now, when they reach college age, Joe Legal’s kids may not get into a state school and may not qualify for scholarships, grants or other tuition help, even though Joe has been paying for state schools through his taxes, while Jose Illegal’s kids “go to the head of the class” because they are a minority.

Joe Legal and Jose Illegal both enjoy the same police and fire services, but Joe paid for them and Jose did not pay.

What's the joke? I think this is reality. Other than rent being $500/month in California....

Sally asked her mom to take the family dog on a walk around the neighborhood.

Sally's mom said, "I'm sorry dear but the dog is in heat" and told her to ask her dad to explain heat.

Sally's dad was in the garage, working on an old car, when Sally asked her father. Her father, not wanting to explain heat, dipped the rag in gasoline and wiped it on the dog's rear. "Good to go sweetie".

30 minutes later, Sally comes back with only a dog lease. "Where's the dog!", her father asked.

"Well daddy, half way around the block she ran out of gas but there's another dog pushing her home".

Sorry, had to do it.. I CRACKED up when I read this one :)

The winter olympics committee has just awarded President Obama a gold medal in skiing...after looking at his record, they realized no one will ever be able to take a country downhill faster.

I went fishing this morning, but quickly ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in it's mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing it couldn't bite me with a frog I grabbed it behind the neck, took the frog out, and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was releasing the snake without getting bit so I poured some Jack Daniels in it's mouth. It's eyes rolled back and it went limp, so I tossed it out.

A few minutes later I felt something nudging my foot. The snake was back with another frog.

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

What's the worst part of being a pedophile?



Getting the blood out of his clown suit.

(12-10-2013 08:21 AM)Jerry Falwell Wrote:  What's the difference between Obama & Jesus?


Jesus knew how to make a good cabinet.

People don't scream Obama's name when Jesus does something.

Jesus doesn't have an Obama complex

"It just came out that President Obama brings a portable security tent with him on overseas trips so that he can read classified documents. He sets up a tent in his hotel room. Obama said it's a good way to avoid being spied on while he keeps track of who he has spied on." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a speech today President Obama called for a new era of bipartisan cooperation. He said this because Obama likes to start off a speech with a joke.” –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama said the day after the budget deal is made he's going to concentrate on immigration. He says he'll start by deporting Ted Cruz." –Conan O'Brien