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Fiu's Cavalcade of Whimsy
a.k.a. Frank Costanza's Festivus Airing of the Grievances</span>
By <a href='http://mailto:petef@collegefootballnews.com' target='_blank'>Pete Fiutak</a> ... What's your beef? ... <a href='http://mailto:petef@collegefootballnews.com' target='_blank'>E-mail with your thoughts</a>.
If this column sucks, it’s not my fault … I’m upset over believing I deserve a spot in the BCS, but won’t get there because of the nation’s love affair with Notre Dame football.
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50 million Elvis fans can’t be wrong. They might not have any taste, but they can’t be wrong … Look all you fans of Oregon, Auburn, Ohio State, and other teams who aren’t going to get a BCS spot because of Notre Dame; the world wants to see Notre Dame. It has nothing to do with who deserves to be in the BCS. If that were the case, you’d simply take the top at-large teams, which currently would be Ohio State and Oregon, and go on about your day. But Notre Dame is a story. Notre Dame is America’s team. Notre Dame gets people talking. Notre Dame will get fans from coast-to-coast watching and talking about the Fiesta Bowl. And yes, college football is a better sport when Notre Dame is good.
On the flip side, Notre Dame fans, stop whining about everyone explaining to you why your team doesn’t deserve to go to the BCS. Notre Dame has beaten a fat load of jack squat since the win over Michigan in the second week of the season. Put the shoe on the other foot. If the bowl teams Auburn beat were Michigan, BYU and Navy, and you didn’t get in after beating South Carolina, Georgia and Alabama, or if you lost one game, to USC, and didn’t go BCSing, you’d be honked off. You’re going because you’re Notre Dame. Period.
Remember, the BCS only really matters for the national title game. Yeah, the BCSers get the bigger stage, the prime time TV slots, and all the dough, but it’s not a playoff. You’re not missing out on playing for the national title by not going.</span>
And Pepsi tastes like Coke, Charlie Weis grows a mullet, and the Cheap Seats guys actually come up with a witty line … Let’s say Colorado beats Texas, Georgia beats LSU, and Florida State beats Virginia Tech to earn automatic spots in the BCS. Your Rose Bowl would still be as planned with USC playing Texas, but Penn Staters would have a conniption. Your Fiesta Bowl would be Notre Dame vs. Colorado, your Orange Bowl would be Florida State vs. Penn State, and your Sugar Bowl would be Georgia vs. West Virginia. Ohio State would be ticked, and Virginia Tech, Oregon, and LSU would beef that they'd deserve a spot somewhere. If Georgia beats LSU, then fine. The Dawgs didn’t have D.J. Shockley when they lost to Florida, and lost to Auburn in a last-minute shootout; that’s not that bad. But with all due respect to the Buffs, Noles, and even the Bruins, let’s get those pom-poms out for the favorites this weekend. For those of use dreaming of an all-timer BCS, we don’t need any upsets.
But he’d have to grow his hair into a J.C. Watts blowout first … I’m dead serious about this. After the way Texas A&M backup quarterback Stephen McGee ripped through the Texas defense running the option, USC should spend at least one practice testing out the wishbone and seeing if Reggie Bush can make the pitch. I’m not saying the Trojans should run this the entire Rose Bowl, but for 7-10 plays, they should line up Bush at quarterback with Brandon Hancock at fullback, and LenDale White and WR Steve Smith at running back. At the very least, USC should say they're practicing the option, and force Texas coaches to devote a few minutes to worrying about it.
And there’d better be a roast beef sandwich in the deal … No man in the history of creation will get luckier than the dude in the A Diamond is Forever ad who makes his way from Minneapolis to Chicago in a snow plow to give his chick a diamond pendant. 98% of all males, after a flight got socked in by snow, would grab a room at the Thunderbird Motel, get some Taco Bell and order a skinner.
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They’re called long johns, and they have nothing to do with that freakish tight end that doesn’t wear a towel … Football players can play with broken bones, dislocated joints, bumps, bruises, scraps, and an assortment of other injuries that would make most Americans pay more attention to those ads with the duck, but put the Florida players in winter weather conditions (cough, USF vs. Connecticut, cough cough), and they suddenly become as soft as the Stanford pass defense with the game on the line.</span>
But you have nothing else to do on December 20th … As Mr. College Football, I consider all 119 teams my children and I love them all in their own way. I have to be somewhat knowledgeable about every team. Having seen more Sun Belt games than any human being in America, I can honestly say that Arkansas State might be the worst bowl team in the history of bowl games. I know the Indians beat UL Lafayette several weeks ago, but the Ragin’ Cajuns would’ve been the better Sun Belt representative.
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The 2005 ACC Championship Game … Do we really have to? Watching Florida State makes me feel all sad inside.</span>
The C.O.W. airing of the grievances followed by the feats of strength:
The top ten ways the 2005 season would be different if players had to stay for all four years.
Ever since the late 1980s when players started to bolt to the NFL after their junior seasons, college football has missed out on a ton of top players year-in-and-year out that would’ve had to stick around under the more oppressive old system of draft eligibility. How would this season have been different if players weren’t able to jump early to the NFL? Nebraska’s pass defense would’ve been better with Fabian Washington and Josh Bullocks back, Vandy would’ve gone to a bowl with DE Jovan Haye and FB Matthew Tant in the mix, and Temple’s run defense would’ve been far better thanks to LB Rian Wallace. Here are ten other ways this season would be different.
10.
South Carolina would be Cockin’ ‘n’ Firin’, Funnin’ ‘n’ Gunnin’, and more because …
… Troy Williamson would be back at receiver. Before bolting early and becoming a Minnesota Viking, Williamson was one of the nation’s top deep threats for the Gamecocks. He’d be even better with Sidney Rice on the other side taking some of the heat off.
9.
Ohio State would be a weekly soap opera because of …
Maurice Clarett. He would’ve either brought the Buckeyes another national title (don’t forget what a great college player he was), he would’ve put the school on crippling probation, or both. Knowing he wanted to go to the NFL, Clarett was all too happy to burn bridges with the Buckeyes, but he might have been kept under wraps a little bit more if he had to stick around all four years.
8.
Utah wouldn’t have gone unbeaten again, but …
… it would’ve been close. While Brian Johnson was more than fine this year, he wasn’t Alex Smith. Smith was far more of a runner, and likely would’ve been the difference in close losses to TCU, Colorado State and New Mexico. Johnson was wonderful in losses to North Carolina and San Diego State, but could Utah have won those games with Smith and WR Steve Savoy? Maybe.
7.
Virginia would be even more of a player in the ACC
Instead of being a mediocre reserve for the Arizona Cardinals, Darryl Blackstock would make up for the ongoing injuries to Ahmad Brooks and join Kai Parham to form the nastiest linebacking corps this side of Columbus. Tight end Heath Miller would be a desperately needed offensive weapon and safety valve for Marques Hagans.
6.
Florida would win the SEC East
The Gators wouldn’t have lost to LSU or South Carolina if Ciatrick Fason was still at running back offering more of a steadying effect to the offense. Fason ran for 1,267 yards and ten touchdowns last year, and would’ve made a strong run at 1,500 yards in 2005. More importantly, Channing Crowder would be back at linebacker. The Gators had one of the best defenses, especially against the run, and would’ve been even better if it had one of its top tacklers back.
5.
Cal might not have been Pac 10 champions, but ...
… it would’ve made a great run at USC with Aaron Rodgers back at quarterback. All the Bears were missing in losses to UCLA, Oregon State, and Oregon was a steady, veteran quarterback. If Joe Ayoob could’ve come close to winning those games, Rodgers would’ve pulled them out. Cal would’ve been 9-0 going into the USC game.
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West Virginia might be undefeated ...
... or would’ve been very, very close. The Mountaineers’ one loss came to Virginia Tech because Marcus Vick went 15 of 17 and the Hokie defense wasn’t loosened up enough for Steve Slaton the WVU ground game to work (even though Slaton ran well in a limited role). If Chris Henry hadn’t been kicked off the team for being a raging jerkwad, he would’ve been the deep threat needed to at least offer something for the Hokies to worry about. With Adam “Pacman
